My Grams.

One year ago I was frantically rushing out of the house to drive to Maine. I wanted to see my grandmother one last time. One year ago my grandmother died.

How come it's always the good times that become a blur in your memories? But the bad times are recalled so vividly, almost in hypercolor...though now that I think about it...strangely I don't necessarily think of experiencing the death of my grandmother to be a bad experience...intense, yes. But, it was almost a privilege in a way. Is that weird?

I remember driving to Maine and it only took me a little over two hours, when it normally takes three. I remember my head was buzzing, I don't think I had a clear thought during the entire drive. I could tell you how she looked when I walked in the room, but it was disturbing and I wouldn't be doing myself any favors by recounting it. It was unclear how aware of the situation she was but I like to think she was aware enough to know I had arrived.

I remember sitting with my uncle and watching an Addams Family movie on the tv while I held my grandmother's hand and waited for her to die. I remember my uncle going out to his car to sleep for a little while. I remember finally being alone with my grandmother and talking to her despite not being sure if she could hear me. I told her the same thing that I told my dog Molly all those years ago...that it was okay for her to go. I told her that I would be okay, and that my mom and my uncle would be okay and that I would take care of them. A few minutes later she died. I remember the way her breathing changed. I remember pushing the button for the nurses and when they didn't come, running out into the hall and shouting for them. I remember the way the word 'help' felt coming out of my throat, as if the word was strangling me. They went and got my uncle and we all sat there together until it was done. I remember it felt like it lasted for hours but it was probably only a few minutes.

I remember how her eyes looked so glassy and the sound of my uncle sobbing and the moth fluttering outside the window and her hand still in mine and how strangely still and electric everything felt. And I remember it like it was yesterday.

She was the matriarch of the family and I knew everything would change after she passed and indeed it did. I have watched my family self-destruct in the past year and the worst part is that I have had to make the choice to distance myself from it, and therefore break my promise to take care of my mom and uncle, the promise I made to my grandmother on her deathbed. I have had to find a way to be okay with that, to be okay with myself because of that, and it hasn't been easy. At times the guilt has been overwhelming, but ultimately I feel free in a way I've never felt before. All at once there was no going back.

My grandmother was my support system, she was my safety net, she was the only person I had ever been able to count on. I knew she wouldn't always be around, but I didn't know how it would be after she was gone. And it has actually been okay. Somehow I've managed without her, perhaps even flourished. Life does go on, after all.

Tilly vs. Law and Order SVU

I can't tell whether she loves it or really hates it, but either way my dog Tilly has a pretty extreme reaction whenever the Law and Order SVU theme song comes on the tv. It's only the Special Victims Unit one, the other Law and Order songs don't seem to bother her.

It's the same every time, weird crying noises ending with full on howling. And she is usually trying to crawl all over me while doing it, perhaps she is trying to 'protect' me from the music? I'm not sure, all I know is that I have a very weird dog.

I am a procrastinator.

It's true. Once a month or so I end up staying up all night to get stuff done that I have put off. Tonight I am up doing client billing and laundry. Fun times.

Things have been really great lately. I actually enjoyed Christmas and New Year's this year. I had decided after Thanksgiving that there was no way I could deal with my family for Christmas so I spent it with friends down here in Boston. It was very relaxing. I went to Maine for a short visit with the family the weekend after, and it was decent. I think I'm learning to accept the situation for what it is.

I think 2008 is going to be a good year. I feel like I did a lot of work on myself in the past year, and I'm now starting to see the payoff in my life. It's a good feeling.

Thanksgiving

I am really struggling to like my family. Now that my Grams is gone it has become all too apparent that the rest of us don't really get along all that well. Well, it's apparent to me at least, the rest of them seemingly want to pretend that everything is fine. I try to talk to them about it and I'm almost always met with exclamations about how I must have misconstrued that nasty thing they just said, or how they don't see the problem I'm talking about. It's complete BULLSHIT since I spend most of my time in Maine cringing at the things they say to each other, that is when I'm not hiding in my room.

It's exhausting, and my tolerance for it is quickly running out. I'm sick of feeling like the only grownup in the room, and it makes me miss my Grams more than ever. I sat at that Thanksgiving table and felt completely alone as I watched the rest of my family bicker and taunt each other. And the worst part of it was afterwards when my uncle sincerely said, 'well that was a nice Thanksgiving!' And he was genuinely surprised when I turned to him and said that I thought it was horrible.

I guess I can be thankful that I have higher standards for my life and my relationships. And I'm definitely thankful that I can come home to Boston and I don't have to deal with that stuff all the time.

NYC adventure

I just made my hotel and travel reservations to go to NYC next month for a weekend. It's kind of a big deal for me, I can't remember the last time I went somewhere other than Maine. Hell, I barely ever even leave my neighborhood.

It's hard for me to get out of Boston for the weekend because I usually have work stuff going on, and when my Grams was alive I felt like any weekend I had free I had to go up to Maine to see her. I don't have that obligation anymore so I figure I need to take advantage of that now and try to take some weekend trips to other places. Maine is lovely and all, but it sure doesn't feel like a vacation for me. I generally come back even more stressed than when I left. I think New York will be fun and exciting and if I go about it the right way it will even be relaxing. I decided to take Amtrak instead of the bus, I think the extra money will be worth it to not have to be worried about the bus careening through some guard rail. And I also booked an appointment for a massage at Bliss in Soho, for first thing Saturday morning. I figure I might as well start the weekend off right!

Definitely looking forward to this, it should be just what the doctor ordered.

Not quite a new day.

In Maine for the weekend...can't sleep. It's now early morning and I'm still laying in bed wide awake listening to my uncle snoring in the next room.

It's easier when I'm in Boston, though I won't go as far as to say that I ever forget that she's gone. Every day I think of some little thing I want to tell her and have to hold back from reaching for the phone. But being in Maine is confronting the true reality of it all, and dealing with the fallout of how things will now change.

She was pretty much the only one who ever really took care of me, and now that she is gone I feel very alone in the world. Sure, I have my mom and my uncle, but it's not the same...I definitely worry about them far more than they worry about me. There is really no one in my life checking in and making sure that I'm ok, so now I have to make extra sure that I take care of myself, because no one else is going to do it. And while I've been self-sufficient for a good long time, there is still something about having a safety net that is very comforting, and it is subsequently disconcerting when it gets taken away.

The interesting thing about being raised by a grandparent is that you inevitably lose your parent at a younger age than most people do, but you also have the 'benefit' of being able to prepare for it. But that is certainly a lot of pressure, sometimes I think that it would have been easier if I hadn't been prepared, because I would have somehow been 'allowed' to fall apart. Of course the reality is that instead of falling apart I have an obligation to myself and my family to step up and to grow up and to consequently be the person I've been preparing to be.

Day is Done

My grams passed away last night, at about 2:00 a.m. I was by her side, holding her hand, as it happened. I'm grateful that I got to be there with her as she went, and I think she was waiting for me to arrive before she made her departure. She was comfortable and free of pain at the end, though not really conscious because of all the morphine. I do think there was awareness at some level. I'd like to think that she knew I was there by her side.

I'm in Maine with my family for the day. We went to breakfast together this morning and have been calling the extended family and friends all day. There will be some sort of memorial service in a couple of weeks.

I was putzing around the house about an hour ago and came across an envelope shoved under some papers on the kitchen counter. It had my name on it in my grandmothers writing. Inside were some articles about gardening torn out of the newspaper. I suspect she had asked my uncle to give it to me and he never got around to it.

I'm so glad that I took up gardening this year. I did it for her. It gave her some purpose to be able to advise me on what to plant and how to tend to things, even if it was from her nursing home bed. My last visit with her was a little over a week ago and I brought a bunch of cherry tomatoes from my garden. She loved them and ate a whole bunch, despite the fact that she was already pretty sick and nauseous from the increased morphine in her system.

It is a pretty heavy experience to intimately share in someone's passing. I'm sure I will be turning it over in my mind for a long time to come. But I know that death is ultimately a part of life, and my grams lived a long full happy life. She was one of the most vibrant, charismatic people you could ever meet. A born leader. Even at the end, she charmed the pants off every single person that worked at the nursing home. I can only hope that I carry on for her in some way and somehow embody some of the traits that served her so well through life.